weary

I somehow found the energy to get through the last week, after the split, in reasonable spirits. But yesterday I fell flat. It will pass, but right now I am just sooo weary!

A sense of strange

I love theboy deeply and I am endlessly sad that he has gone, but this is a strange break up for us both. I feel hope for the future, my life, our friendship, his success. I feel excitement for the possibilities in my life. I do not feel angry, or alone, or really as tho' i've lost anything. I no longer have his body by me when I wake up, I shall miss his arms, his kisses, but he is still in my life and our love is in tact. I am not relieved because it was not drawn out. I feel sad and when something catched me I fill with tears. I feel distracted and vacant, I expect my focus will return by next week. I feel restless, if I sit still too long I start to wallow, so I am keeping busy.
I am filled with so much love.

Over.

I am devestated. Theboy and I split up yesterday after three wonderful years. There is still a lot of love between us. He is right, we had gone as far as we could go, we were in danger of losing our love and of hurting each other, so he found the strength and we split. We have exchanged some beautiful loving words since then and now we are kind of steering clear of each other for a bit. Obviously he needs to get his stuff and we will keep in touch, but it hurts so much right now. I admire him greatly for taking the lead in this when I could not, I am grateful not to have had to. I love him deeply, but now we need to find our own futures, we had a choice, ourselves or each other, well if you negelct yourself eventually the relationship will be lost anyway.

This morning was hard, I woke up alone, on my side of the bed, he wasn't there in the dark to kiss goodbye. I turned the light on and dressed in the bedroom, I normally dress downstairs, but I couldn't bear to keep the routine that was built around him. I waver between doing ok, seing the positive and admiring his courage, and then the devestation, wanting to curl up under the covers and cry till I have no tears left.
I will be ok. I believe that to do this he has become stronger than either of us realised, so he will be ok too. My heart hurts.

Curses!

So yesterday the nurse called in sick, but theboy didn't see fit to answer the phone coz he was in bed, and since I was at work I didn't know!! So I take the afternoon off and pootle down to the doctors, a bag of nerves, I have issues with the indignity and vulnerable of having smears, never mind the general ickness of the whole expeiance. Well now I have to go through all the anxiety again next week!!
I have no idea why I am constantly tired at the moment, but I suspect it may be to do with my eating patterns, I have put pounds back on, which is bad news!!!! I really need to get my head together and push myself forward with this whole health kick stuff!
Wish me luck folks.

I give myself permission to succeed, to be slim and healthy!!

Lie in?

It's friday am and i've been up for two hours, since 6. My parents are coming to visit at lunch time so I flexxed off for the day, it'll be lovely to see them, but I woke up usual time and can't get back off. Instead i'm sorting stuff out in the house, tidying a bit and tryingto get more ready for there visit. I was looking forward to a lie in too. :( ah well, such is life.
The ratties seem happy to have me up anyway.

Sorting IT.

Ok, 2005 is the year of sorting it. I am sorting my weight (4st to lose) sorting my health, sorting my home. Yeah. Rock on! Or summink. Anyway today I went to the docs, recorded my weight, tok the punge for going off the pill, that will kick in this time next month, I have one more strip. Look out for emotional turmoil folks. And i've booked my nasty evil smear test for next wednesday afternoon to check that stuff out. I will also buy some decent trainers this month, I am on my feet more now for work and want comfort. And I've comminted to doing a friend a favour and being one of her "subjects", she is training to be a gym instructor. Yikes. See, commitment. I will take over the world! Or at least my life. :)

Big Yawns

Wow, i've slept really well the last couple of nights and if I could just get another 24 hrs I might start to feel human again. ;)
Still, I am flexing off work friday to go for coffee with my parents while they are up in the Midlands, its ages since dad came up too and i've not seen them since I went down for a few days in december. Then Saturday I am getting the train to Birmingham for a coffee morninng with Writerbird, i've done this once before and its lovely. She's an amazing chick! :)
Then Sunday the lovely Raficki is calling, i'm really excited, I love American accents! Just today and tommorrow to get through and life kicks off for a good weekend!
Sadly, tommorrow I have to book my smears, its been way too long. Uck!

Figuring it out

Ok, this is me finally trying to Blog. Eeeep. So erm...testing testing. Of course I should be working, but I am cold and I wanna go home, so I'm blogging instead. :)