posted the following onthe mmb today under the heading
if you knew me
when i was young,i wonder what you'd think of me now. I got fat, lost my nerve, learnt how to be me and got strong again. I stopped having tantrums (on the outside) but i still stamp my inside foot and scream in my head. I still havent learnt a good way to deal with frustration, but i dont run away anymore. I am smart, still lazy, still keeping my head above water 90% of the time and only shining the other 10, but i look for things that make me want to shine now. I found someone good, who i love and who loves me, I think i've found the place where i belong at this point in my life but somewhere i lost a lot of my simple joy, somewhere i lost some of my faith in people. I never discovered god, but i found something to believe in. I miss my Grandpa, of everyone his validation right now would mean sooo much. I know my parents worry about my weight, i know Mum will always find something to worry about for each of her children. I know i want to be slimmer, and healthier (it is affecting my health) but i lack discipline, as with everything, the old laziness creeps in. I started trying things at last, things that are frightening but that i want. It's opening up new aspects of who i am. i journal, tho i fear i have nothing to say. I wonder if people who new me when i was small would recognise me if we talked on line, would find something familiar in who i am now without having to see me face to face. I wonder if i would know them, i never was the most observant. If you made it this far, thanks, i'm just thinking, it's kinda a rhetorical question.